Overcoming Self Heckling: Disciplining Your Thoughts by Catherine Weiskopf

Today’s blog is written by author, speaker, and Pearls of Promise Creative Director, Catherine Weiskopf. Catherine, the Pearls of Promise Creative Director, has authored four books and is co-author of the four-time award winning, If I Only Had…Wrapping Yourself in God’s Truth During Storms of Insecurity, the Pearls of Promise devotional, two children’s books and numerous magazine articles. With a Master’s Degree in Computer Science, Weiskopf has written about topics as varied as math and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. God has brought her a long way in her spiritual healing and now Weiskopf feels a passion to help women who are suffering. Her goal is to bring God’s peace straight to the issues in women’s lives. Weiskopf has been married for over a quarter of a century to Arthur and has two children. 

As I got ready to talk to 1000 kids about math, what ran through my head were not the cheers of encouragement, “Go, Cathy, go!” but rather the heckling of doubt.

You’re going to bore them.

What if you forget what you’re supposed to say?

They will think this isn’t worth the money.  

Unfortunately, thoughts of self-doubt often roam around in my mind, popping up like a vulture destroying my peace.

Being a writer, I have a very active imagination and when left unchecked, it goes into scenes of worst-case scenarios. I imagined our last group of 250 sixth graders rolling their eyes, crossing their arms in boredom, and even heckling us.

In the past, for weeks before my speaking, this would go on until I was a wet noodle of nerves. As I readied for these presentations, while the thoughts would pop into my mind and I would indulge in the strangely comforting ruminations for a few minutes, there was something new—a bit of light peeking through. For seconds at a time I realized that possibly what I imagined wasn’t true, and was counterproductive, not in line with how God’s saw me.

It was the luminous truth of scripture parting the smog in my mind: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). I’ve heard the phrase, “Take your thoughts captive to Christ,” hundreds of times. I’ve always had a very vague sense of what that means. To me it was more of a “think positively” with a God bent, but I’ve never really understood how to practically apply it until recently. It just seemed like another bit of religious advice thrown out by those who’ve got it all together to torture those of us who don’t.

That’s where some good therapy and the book, Letting Go of Worry by Dr. Linda Mintle, lined up with my recent experience. When I read this, something clicked. She writes, “Taking our thoughts captive means not allowing them to wander where they want to go, in this case worry.” Pg. 89.

Did I let my thoughts wander wherever they wanted to go?

Absolutely.

My thoughts were misbehaving bratty children in charge of the house. If they wanted to play with fire, I let them. If they wanted to wander into the dark and deep water of destruction, so be it. If they wanted to berate me when I was down, I let them do that as well. Taking my thoughts captive to Christ simply involved applying Godly discipline and not letting them control my life.

The thoughts behind my speaking anxiety, in more detail, went like this:

You’re going to bore them, then you will look out into the audience, see that they are bored and stumble over your words, forgetting what you were going to say. Next the panic will build and you will have to run off the stage, leaving all the kids with disapproving looks on their faces. The librarian will then demand all the money back.   

Taking my thoughts captive to Christ involved adding one step to my thought process, actually one question. Is this thought reasonable, real, and in line with how God sees me?  (It works best if you start it right away as soon as the spiraling downward thoughts begin.)  Again, back to my thoughts.

You’re going to bore them. STOP

Are these thought reasonable, real and in line with how God sees me? What are more reasonable thoughts?

I have never bored a group of kids before, and even if I did it is not a big deal. God thinks I’m wonderful even if they don’t. While I have forgotten what I was going to say before, it was no big deal. My notes got me back on track and no one noticed the two seconds of silence. I haven’t had a panic attack for years, but even if I have one on stage, God will help me through it; he always does. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Nothing bad will happen because of a feeling. Maybe this will even be fun.

Honestly, when I first began “taking my thoughts captive to Christ,” the new thoughts fit like an ill-fitting new suit. They didn’t seem true or comfortable, but through continually stopping the anxious thoughts, asking a question and changing them, my feelings began to line up with God’s truth.

This whole changing your thoughts process won’t happen overnight. I’m embarrassed by how many times I had to stop these old thoughts and replace them with the new. I’m also sure that the next time I book an event, these thought will still be there, tempting me to go down the negativity hill. But I also know that life-altering change, even though it doesn’t feel possible, is a reality when you are in a relationship with Christ.

He has given us a promise and a gift:  “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27). With that peace comes his brilliance blazing through the fog, and his power to discipline your thoughts. For me it started with the hope that it was possible, continued with taking my thoughts captive, and ended with two days of speaking that I actually enjoyed!