Setting Boundaries for Peace by Valerie Bracchi

Today’s guest blogger is Valerie Bracchi. Valerie is a Life and Empowerment Coach and founder of Empowered Vision, LLC.  She works with individuals to empower them to live optimally in all areas: mind, body, and spirit. 

Valerie works with clients one-on-one, in group settings, in speaking engagements, and using social media channels to get the message of healing, hope, freedom and whole body wellness to the world. 

Valerie is married to an amazing man, and they are blessed with an 11 year-old son and live in Dallas, Texas.

“Boundaries” is a buzz-word these days, but we may not realize how setting and maintaining them can bring about more peace and enjoyment in our relationships.

Boundaries are dividing lines. They show where we end and where others begin.  We show self-control when we can respect someone’s space and love them exactly as and where they are, without trying to change them. In Biblical terms, boundaries would liken to “self-control.” The Bible commands us to control ourselves, whereas our human nature desires to control others (Titus 2:12).

We have internal and external boundaries. Our internal boundaries keep us from over-sharing and giving unwanted or inappropriate feedback. Our external boundaries prevent us from taking on what someone says as our truth. They protect us and keep others’ negativity or criticism from becoming our reality.

The fact is, what people do or say has more to do with them and how they feel, than it does about us. People see life through the lens of their own past experiences, and oftentimes they project fears and their own personal issues onto us.

When speaking, I like to bring a hula-hoop along for a prop to demonstrate visually how boundaries work. In therapeutic communities like treatment centers, when individuals are struggling with boundaries (or minding their own business), they have the assignment of carrying around a hula-hoop everywhere they go for a period of time. When they find themselves focusing on what other people are doing and wanting to get involved in their business without being asked, they have the physical reminder:  if it is inside the hula-hoop, it’s my business; if it is outside of the hula-hoop, it’s not my business, but instead, the other person’s.

We can have more peace of mind in a situation when we remember that we don’t know what is best for someone else. Only God knows what his plans are for that person and how he plans to work out their process. When we feel tempted to make something our business, we can remember to keep our mouths shut, pray for them and ask God, please show me how you want ME to change.

Another good thing to remember is – what people think of me is none of my business.

A practical way to set boundaries in relationships is by asking what you want very clearly and right as the issue comes up.  People are not mind-readers, and we get into trouble when we make assumptions. It is important that we communicate our expectations and needs so that the people in our lives can meet our needs and love us the way that we need to be loved.

People rise to whatever expectations we give them, so we need to take care of ourselves and ask for what we need, and give the people we are in relationship with the opportunity to live up to them.  Conversely, we need to respect someone’s “no” when they are taking care of themselves as well and not take it personally.

When we can accept people as they are, and where they are, and not try to change them into the person that we need them to be, they are free to be themselves and they have the dignity of learning to grow and evolve on their own.  It’s when we insert our opinion or judgment uninvited, that resentment happens.

Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you. Proverbs 25:17

Problems arise when we should have set boundaries, but didn’t, in order to keep the peace. What happens when we push things under the rug, is that we hit a certain point and then explode in anger or frustration. The difficult, but very important lesson that we can learn is that if we had set the boundary from the beginning, it would not have turned into a mess. We teach people how to treat us, and what we allow continues.

Want to hear the good news?  You can start today to increase your awareness of what is your business and what is between God and the other person. You can ask God to help you focus on what He wants to change in you and ask him for help in asking for what you need. He will give you the grace to focus on your side of the street and to respect and support others’ journeys. When you do that, you will have more peace, freedom, and enjoyment in all of your relationships.